Recently my team had to work a grave yard shift (10 PM – 6 AM) for a week to do some testing on a naval radar system.  You can imagine that around 3 AM we all get a little punchy.  We fuel up on 5 hour energy, Monsters, and Slim Jims to stay awake.  In some of the down time between tests, our caffeine fueled minds get to racing and all kinds of conversations are started.

During one of these times, several of my workmates and a few sailors were talking about not getting our daily steps by sitting in front of radar consoles all night.  I then posited that it really wasn’t fair that Fitbits didn’t give you credit for the exercise you get when you are getting busy with your partner.  I know!  I’ve tried and it doesn’t count it.  Just looks at me and says you want credit for the fun you just had?  Psssshhht!

I DO want credit!  I’m no marathon man at my age anymore, but I know I am burning some calories.  I should get a pump, thrust, bang, or some type of count.  We all agreed that if the Fitbit wasn’t going to give us our due, another device should.  But then we wondered where would one wear such a device during sexy time?  Furthermore, would there need to be his and her models?  Then it hit me.  What part of the anatomy in the motion affected area is the same for women and men?  That’s right, the butthole!

Thus the BUTTFIT was born!

We started brainbuttstorming and came up with all kinds of ideas for the Buttfit.  They already have butt plugs right?  (Don’t even try to say you don’t know what that is.)  So why not have one that will count bow chicka wow wow moves?  “Hold on Ari!” you say.  “I don’t like big plugs shoved up my butt!”  No worries!  Our Buttfit will be small.  You’ll hardly even notice it’s there.  We even decided to make a self lubricating feature for the times when things dry up a bit during long periods of activity.  No need to break the mood to stop, remove, and manually lube.  Our Buttfit will sense when desert like conditions are approaching and just like that…. SPLLLTTT!  Lube will seep out of microscopic porous holes in the polyurethane skin and everything will be smooth sailing.

Ideas kept coming fast and furious.  Another feature we came up with was encouraging messages transmitted to your phone via Bluetooth.  Something like the following:

You were active for 45 minutes and made 3224 thrusts!  You’re a stud!

You rode that thang for 20 minutes for a 2562 bang count!  You go girl!

512 pumps in 5 minutes?  Done already?  She’s gonna get it from somewhere else if you don’t step it up!

As an added reward, we also decided to have our Buttfit vibrate when you reach your goal.  Because, you know, who doesn’t like a little vibration in the back end to celebrate a victory?

We didn’t forget about you when all the fun and games are over.  We are going to have a docking station charger for our Buttfit that also features an automatic cleaner!  No need to wash it by hand.  Just throw it in the docking station and before you know it, the Buttfit is charged and clean as a whistle!  We don’t recommend blowing on it like a whistle though.  Then you can just toss it in the drawer-o-fun (yes we know about that one drawer in your night stand) and it will be all ready for the next time you and your partner want to do the beast with two backs.

We are just working some of the kinks out of the Buttfit and doing beta testing (yeah!).  Soon we’ll have a Go Fund Me page for everyone that wants to support our butts!  Everyone that contributes will get one free bottle of lube for their Buttfit.  Look for it soon and get your due credit for that all nighter!

P.S. We realized that our marketing strategy only appeals to people with partners.  What about that lonely guy who has no one?  He should get credit for all that wanking don’t ya think?  We do too.  So we are working on a version for him.  Think we’ll call it Fistbit.

Share this shit y'all!