Fellow bloggers like to write posts about interesting search terms that bring people to their blogs.  It’s a pretty regular feature on The Bloggess, and ACWMH just did a post of her own.  This got me to wondering about my search terms.  In just a little over a year I’ve had exactly two search terms that were defined.

Videos showing a small cog in a bihg machine – No bihg mystery here, considering the title of my blog, despite the typo there.  I’m pretty sure it’s a typo unless that was an acronym for the British International History Group.  Yeah, typo.  They were probably disappointed upon arriving at this small cog and finding the only videos were hiking ones, screaming goats, or of me trying to wax my head.  Sorry about that, Random Googler.  Hope you found the video you were looking for.  If not, let me know and I’ll make one for you.  I’ll even give you a bihg discount on my service fee.

Epilady story – This one makes sense too, since I wrote a story about an Eplilady.  If you don’t know what that is then you probably weren’t born or were very young in 1988.  Read the story if you want to know about the most cleverly disguised torture device of all time.  It probably wasn’t what the Googler was looking for, but I hope they read it and enjoyed it.

So that’s it.  Two measly search terms.  Hope you enjoyed this short post.

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Sheeyeah, like I was going to let the lack of search terms stop me from writing a longer post on search terms.  I have eleventybillion “unknown” search terms.  WordPress tells me that Google encrypts a majority of the search terms so they can’t define them.  I also heard that if a user is logged in to their Google account when performing a search, it won’t forward the search term.  OK, so you ain’t gonna give me the search terms?  I’ll make them up myself.  Yup, I’m going to use my psychic powers (which, amazingly, are enhanced with alcohol consumption) and divine what search terms are bringing people to my blog.  You only have yourself to blame for what’s coming Google.

Let’s start with an easy one.  Beer – You don’t have to be a statistician to calculate the odds of landing right here when searching for anything beer related.  It’s on the higher end.  When I do a search for beer on my own blog search engine it pulls up 13 posts.  I’ve wrote a total of 42 posts in just over a year.  That comes up to, uhmm carry the one, divide the thingy, extrapolate the constant….. 31%.  Fuck, I didn’t know I was going to have to do math when I started writing this.  Anyway, 31% is not as bad as I thought.  I was wondering if maybe I had a problem, but I don’t think 31% is a problem, do you?  Of course, denial is the first sign.  OK, let’s move on!

Friction free motion lotion – Good chance of ending up at this post for that search term.  It’s not nearly as nasty as it sounds.  Except for the foul taste that was in my mouth.  Got you thinking now, don’t I?  Random Googler (which will be henceforth known as RG) was probably shopping for some Kentucky Jelly when they were directed here.  Not much is friction free here.  Friction is one of the basic building blocks to a majority of my posts.  BTW, if you are still wondering about Kentucky Jelly, think state abbreviations.  If you still don’t get it, I can’t help you.

Mean monkey – At least it wasn’t spank the monkey that brought RG here.  Monkeys are mean!  I am bound by my OCD/C to say that.  They throw shit at you, they bite you, they team up in packs and rip your extremities off.  Who cares if they are close cousins to the human race.  I’m sure you all have that one cousin growing up (or maybe even grown) that was just as mean.  So yeah, fuck a bunch of feces flinging monkeys.

Vibration in the back end – RG was probably having suspension problems in their car when searching this one.  Imagine their surprise when they came across the post that had this little snippet on JASC.  I’m pretty sure that perversely altered fit bits were not the targeted search item.  Can you imagine if this was a church deacon trying to fix their holy roller bus?  Prolly threw holy water on the screen.  After reading the entire thing of course.

Is it healthy to drink your own urine? – Wha…?  WTF would you land here when searching for that???  I can’t remember talking about urine, much less drinking it, and I sure don’t talk about doing anything healthy.  Nonetheless, never let it be said I don’t try to help, RG.  I leave you with a quote from the venerable Patches O’Houlihan, “Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No, but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.”

Unusual waffle toppings – Oh you got quite the treat for this one RG.  Not the treat you were looking for I’m going to wager.  One of my favorite descriptors to express my consternation at the fuckery some people get up to…. Jizz Waffles!  As in, “That guy driving 45 miles per hour in the left lane is a jizz waffle!”  If your curious about how I came up with this one, have a gander at the comments section on one of my posts.  I doubt RG found this on the menu at Waffle House.

You know what?  This post wasn’t funny at all.  I’m going to publish it anyway because I typed it and put in pictures and GIFS and shit.

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