Let’s set the scene:

Single man is sitting in his condo circa 2001/02 watching TV.  It’s probably a Thursday night and NBC is still enjoying it’s Must See TV heyday, so single man is probably watching Friends or ER.

*Knock Knock on the front door*

Single man gets up and answers the front door where he sees another man holding a clipboard.

“Hello,” says clipboard man with a smile on his face.

“Hi,” says single man.

“I’m in your neighborhood today asking for help to combat a serious threat to the area,” clipboard man tells single man as the smile runs away from his face.

Sensing the tone in his voice, single man immediately begins to wonder what this serious threat is?  A child molester has moved in?  Gang activity on the rise?  A bear came down from the mountains and is hanging around the dumpsters on Acadia Place in this residential area of Ventura?  “What?” single man asks expectantly.

“Applebee’s is opening a restaurant a couple of blocks from here and they have applied for a liquor license.  I’m collecting signatures for a petition to block that request,” clipboard man says with a horrified look on his face.

Single man takes a second and then starts chuckling.  “Boy, did you knock on the wrong door,” he informs clipboard man.

“Why do you say that?”

“I know they are building an Applebee’s and I couldn’t be more pleased.”

“Well, we aren’t against the restaurant, we just don’t want them to have a liquor license.”

“That’s the part I’m most pleased with.”

“You mean to tell me that you want a place in your neighborhood that serves liquor?”

“Yep.”

Clipboard man looks at single man in disbelief.  “You want drunks wandering around your neighborhood?”

Single man chuckles again.  “I highly doubt that people are going to go to Applebee’s with the plan of getting wasted and wandering the streets of Acadia Place.”

“It could still happen.”

“Well, on the off chance there was somebody who did, then that person would most likely be me.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah I’m serious.  I’ve actually been looking forward to Applebee’s opening so I can have a place to walk to and have a few drinks without driving.  You mean to tell me you wouldn’t want someone to walk home after a few drinks instead of driving?”  That strategy had actually not worked out well for single man once, but that’s another story.

“Well, of course I wouldn’t want people to drive drunk either but, uh, that’s not what we are talking about.”

“Sounds like to me you would want people in this neighborhood who like to partake in fermented beverages to drive out of it and then drive back afterward.  Sounds like to me your petition is promoting drunk driving.”

“No it’s not!” clipboard man says exasperated.  “Anyway I can see this is getting nowhere.  You’re not going to sign.”

“Nope I’m not.  As a matter of fact,” single man says with an evil smile, “I’m going to start my own petition to block yours!”

“What?  You can’t do that!”

“Why can’t I do that?  You are circulating a petition to block a liquor license.  I’ll just circulate one to make sure it gets approved.  Hey, maybe they’ll even give me a free appetizer.”

“You’re crazy!” clipboard man exclaims and moves off to single man’s next door neighbor.

Good luck, single man thinks, internally chuckling this time.  The girl that lives there is a bigger lush than I am.

Single man never does follow up on his threat to circulate his own petition, because, let’s face it, that’s a lot of work.  However, single man enjoyed many a frosty beverage at that Applebee’s in the years to come.  He likes to think his spirited debate had something to do with it.  More than likely it was just the inordinate number of alkies in his neighborhood though.

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